On “The Kelly Clarkson Show,” Howie Mandel shared his struggles with mental illness. He admitted that although on the outside he sometimes appears to be a happy guy, this is not the case when he’s at home, especially when he’s by himself.

He acknowledged that being famous had a detrimental effect on his mental health rather than a positive one.

When Kelly Clarkson found out, she was stunned. Then Mandel admitted, “I’m heavily medicated.”

The 65-year-old told PEOPLE that he has struggled with anxiety and OCD almost his whole life, beginning when he was a little child. When he was younger, he had no classmates to establish friends with, therefore he was referred to as “strange.” Now he claims that he is paid to act odd. America’s Got Talent judge claims that every day is a struggle.

He exclaimed, “I’m living in a nightmare.” I try to center myself. I have a beautiful family and I adore what I do. However, I can also go through extremely depressing times which I never get over them.

Mandel, who has been married to his wife Terry since 1980 and has three children, Alex, 31, Riley, 28, and Jackie, 36, says the COVID-19 pandemic was highly distressing for him.

He said that he had the idea “we could die” cross his thoughts every minute of his waking existence. But I would take solace in the idea that everyone around me was okay. It is safe to hold onto okay? However, the entire planet was in poor condition [during the pandemic]. It was also sheer torture.

Mandel struggled with whether or not to reveal his illnesses, as shown by the fact that he waited until 2006 to do so after being diagnosed in his thirties. He acknowledged, “My first thought was that I’ve embarrassed my family.” All of a sudden, I understood that unstable people would never be hired. Those were my concerns.

Like other comics, he turned to humor to help him get through some of his most challenging periods.

He said, “Finding humor is my coping method. I’m probably crying if I’m not grinning. And I’ve refrained from describing how dark and dreadful it actually becomes. Comedy kind of saved me. On stage, I’m most at ease. Additionally, I retreat when I have nothing to do, which is not good.

Mandel claims to still experience severe depression, but he also realizes that the general public may not fully comprehend the severity of his illness. Contradictions are seen by everyone, especially in the media, he said.

So he hugged or shook hands with someone. I can shake your hand. But I’d later feel as though I hadn’t cleaned it entirely. And I would wash my hands in a loop for hours on end.

I can appreciate the humor there. However, that does not lessen how terrible it is. And I have no desire to stand up for my mental health. I only want to keep it.

Mandel says that removing the stigma is his life’s mission, which is why he is now talking openly about his struggles with mental health.

While he is conscious of the fact that nothing about this will be straightforward, he is confident that despite all of his challenges, he will continue to cherish the moments when there is no evil in his life.